Directional Love

Every decision made in our lives is based on motivation. The immediate outcome is usually the only thing we see. We seldom see the 'big picture', the enduring consequences of our actions. And, yes, I myself am included in the 'we' of these statements. So, don't think I point fingers in any direction besides my own.

When I was a teenager, I blamed my parents for my inability to bloom and blossom. When I was in my twenties, it was my boyfriend's inability to commit. In my thirties, I still hadn't learned anything useful. It was my inability to accept change that kept me from growing up. How hard and painful is that to admit? It is change, after all, that allows growth in the first place.

I desired to be loved. Therefore, I went looking for someone to love me. My decision led me to men who wanted casual sex, but not a relationship. My decision to have sex outside of marriage led me to having a baby. My decision saw only the immediate need of self and not the enduring needs of others in my world. Every decision made after that had only a self seeking love as a base. Just sand, not solid foundation; meant to be shaken by the merest breeze of a storm and lost in the tides of life.

My desires were more important to me than God's desires. Had I had the inclination to study God's Word for myself and not just believe what I had been told, not only would the outcome have been vastly different, but the desires also. But I did not.

Many of us think we were raised by strict, hypocritical parents. We did not see from our viewpoint that they were just trying to be good parents. "Can't do this" and "Can't do that" because we are Christians. Unless we are at a wedding, then it's okay. Or a family party, then it's okay. I am referring to drinking and dancing. Now, did that make me want to not do either or just stoke the fire? Well, duh, stoked.

Sex, of course, was not talked about. In any form. Everything I learned, I learned from books and movies. And life. I would have rather been informed by Christian parents who knew the dangers of touching someone you are attracted to. I never saw either read the Bible at home. Or pray, at home. We never prayed together as a family. Or studied our Bibles together as a family. Religion was for church, not for home.

But I was always looking for someone to love me, someone I could love in return. And it was in my first marriage, at a church, that I accepted a relationship with Christ that became the foundation for a consuming, all or nothing, love. This love keeps me sane, keeps me sober, keeps me strong. This love caused me to want, to desire more than just what made me happy; I began to desire what makes God happy.