The Cost of Integrity. Part 1

You can't preach Christ crucified, if you are first not willing to live it.
 

What does it mean to have integrity? Yes, God does know what is in our hearts. But we do not know what is in each other's hearts until we see their action and hear their words. One can say they are a Christian; but if their actions do not back up their words, doubt makes itself known in our heart. And, yet, Christ Himself reminds us not to judge another until we have first searched our hearts and removed that which is the same in ourselves before we confront the one we doubt.

So, we ask ourselves, “Am I living in integrity? Am I practicing what I preach? Am I walking the talk?” My spirit says 'Yes.' My body says 'No'. Probably because having a life-changing chronic illness, with which I am at peace with now, continues to affect decisions I make regarding my life.

My faith has been questioned by people who 'mean well'. This phrase is totally oxymoronic. Usually people who mean well, don't. Sometimes people say really stupid things to me. One of these phrases is “if you push yourself you will get better.” When I push myself, not only do I not get better, I seldom make it out of bed. Thank God we have a dog who can't let herself out; or in. And I have to get out of bed and meet her needs. But then a hot shower massage and I'm almost alive again.

 

 

Some people tell me that if I eat right or stop eating different foods or change my diet in some unsatisfactory way, that I will get better. You have no idea how my dietary habits have changed. When I worked, I ate. I needed to eat to keep up with the amount of energy my body was expending. We had a snack drawer at work. I helped stock it. When I was able to exercise, I ran. That was fun. Now, I can barely walk. Don't tell me to eat right and I will be okay. I seldom eat. It is not a spiritual fast; it is a 'I am not hungry' fast. I feel full all the time. And sometimes, lately, eating makes me nauseous.

Don't question my faith. Don't criticize me for lacking faith to be healed. I have faith that God will heal me in His time. And just because His time is not your time does not mean I will not be healed. Nor that I am lacking in the 'faith in God' department. God I trust. You? You in general I don't trust. People must prove themselves to each other that trust might be manifested in their relationships with each other.

 

Though there were times when I doubted my abilities to function at all, now I know that God is m Strength and in Him I can do all the things which He calls me to do. It is not my abilities that are called on, it is my willingness and obedience to serve Him as He sees fit that are important. When God wants me to do something, I do it. Now. Times past, before I knew God as I know Him now, I did not walk the talk. Now, I do. And, while God is my Judge, He is also my Friend. Now. And I am not lonely any more. Nor am I alone.

Do I have enough integrity-based actions in my life to question yours? Hm. I don't know. But I do know that on this part of this journey I travel in the life in which God has placed me, God will reveal to me where I lack. Maybe through you I will learn a lesson. Or not. Maybe you will learn a lesson through me.

 

Don't tell me “it's all in your head”. You want me to tell you that the next time you fall down or can't get organized? Being this sick is not “all in my head”. It does however originate in my brain. My brain is broken. It does not function the way it is supposed to. And while it is only in the last few years that I personally have noticed the tremors in my hands and my mouth, I have been made to understand that signs of this showed up in my childhood; just not this obvious.

It took God a long time to make me. It may take a while to fix me. But until then, I will continue to seek Him out in His Word and speak with Him in my silences, that He may show me and reveal to me what He wants me to do. Like this newsletter of my studies.

I questioned someone's integrity recently and The Holy Spirit confronted me and asked if I was living a life of integrity. Can I preach Christ crucified, if I am sick or unable to do the things I wish I could do? Yes. I am. I can. And, now, I am tired again. And thirsty. I am usually more thirsty than hungry. No, I do not have diabetes; I have been tested and cleared on that account.

I have been tested for MS, Lupus, ALS and Parkinson's: all cleared. I do have FM )Fibromyalgia, OsteoArthritis and an un-named polymyositis illness, which is causing the tremors, muscle spasms, speech and motor skills to deteriorate. This link at the Mayo Clinic will help you to understand what I go through and why I cannot push myself to get better. I have faith and I live a life of integrity the best I can. I am reliable to a point. When I just cannot do it, I will tell you so. And when I get angry, it will be because The Spirit is grieved and come against in me. So, while this may seem to be an unusual Bible Study, God's Word will be accomplished in it. For He is working on me even as we speak. 

 

I have severe Osteoporosis and now have been placed on Boniva indefinitely. The infusion which may have helped me has been denied by our insurance company. It costs a couple thousand $$, so I can see why they would turn it down. Maybe after I been on this new one and there is no change, maybe they will pay for it. No faith in the insurance company either.

And, while my knees wobble, my faith in God does not. God knows my heart and God knows your heart. So, I am sorry for questioning your integrity. You can work it out with God. You're okay in my book.

 

 I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. Though this verse is found in Philippians 4:13, I encourage you to read the whole chapter. It is not lengthy, but it does apply here. :)

I am overcoming the attack on my body by the illness and by well-meaning individuals. Don't wonder if you are one of them. It doesn't matter any more. What does matter is: are you right with Christ in your heart? Do you want to live a life of integrity and know that God is pleased with you? You could start here, by repeating this simple prayer and reading it aloud, as I did while I wrote it. Why did I read it aloud as I wrote it? To reaffirm my faith in Christ and to bless you:

 

"Oh Lord, although I feel unworthy of Your love for me, I acknowledge that I am a sinner. I repent and turn away from those things which dishonor and displease You. Come, live in my heart; I give You control of my life. Help me to be more like You. Help me to grow in Your Word and in Your Way for I know that I need You now more than ever before. Make me to know Your wills for my life. Teach me, Lord, for I am hungry for You and thirsty for

Your Love. Thank You Lord Jesus, for saving me; for dying for me; for rising from the dead and showing me that, I too, can overcome death through You.

Lord God, be my God. Be my glory. Be my Strength. Be my Hope. Direct my steps in Your paths of Righteousness for Your Name's sake. Guide me in Your Word that I may become the person You see in me. Father, thank You for calling me, for calling my name. In Jesus' Name. Amen. "

It is that easy to become a child of God. And if you meant it when you said it, now you, too, are a part of God's family. Welcome Home.